my inner thoughts

biwithme — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 15:07:24 +0000

somehow i still miss him a lot a lot

why is it so.

what should i do or settle

biwithme — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 17:18:04 +0000

anyway he wore the charm braclet again.

biwithme — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 17:14:38 +0000

he was right.
the song does make me remind of everything and him esp.
but there is nothing to be done.
and somehow, its an answer that goes – I dont know.

but whatever it is, I heck and told him the truth.
i know there is nothing that will come from it
but I dont want to hide
i have been hiding behind this facade, this mask that sometimes i felt that delusion is cheating on oneself personality and feeling
its really not easy to get through this but im still hanging on
and i really dont know why
im trying to get on and not think of anything cos there are a lot of things that i need to settle and also cos theres really no way out since we are doing nothing abt our current state.
is curiosity really the factor that prompted the qn?
i guess so.

biwithme — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:39:58 +0000

evn though everything seems fine and sweet then. i know things are not. i couldnt sleep this night as I realised things are not as simple as before. where he comes, he patches and things will be back to normal and secrets are back into hiding.

today i watch a show and they say this. what is love and what is liking. i managed to move on from a guy that i really love and right now, i know i have for another whom it was never right from the beginning. mainly cos he had someone else. i always wonder why do i still continue to stay on with someone whom i enjoy the co when i know i can cry every single night for somone who doesnt show a tinge of emotions to how he feels towards you. its frustrating and yet i still perserve in the most unlikly manner of who i am.

i realised i like that person for what and who he is and sometimes i wonder is this differntation btn like and love has made the things so complex that i cant seem to let go of stuff that i should to be fair to the person who have put in feelings or should i do so for my own sake. i really dont know.

the mind get complexed in a a complex situation like this and somehow i wish im not the only person that is thinking about this as i wish HE thinks the same way as I do. 5 yrs. letting it go is like moving a mountain from a spot to anohter. and it takes a lot of courage. i doubt the feelings he had for me is able to move that mountain cos im sure he does feel more than that to her.

he was right to an extent that i assume. but how mnay times have the situations allow others to presume that it is supposed to be this way unless some one voices out how they felt. how many times have they gone missing in the weekend and then pop a stupid eh that expects ur reaction in the most warmest method ever.

i sincerly believe he knows how i feeland he knows what i need. just that he is finding the latest excuse to put the troubles aside which will just haunt all the way. it hurts to know it and i rather not to let him suffer. in this way, at least make him believe that i have died in my feelings. further more, he doesnt even check our little mail so what right does it have to let him think abt us. or mayb he hasnt at all.

the tv was right.

love wasnt abt possession.

and i know i did another right decision. its just that im afraid. what if i have to live and think abt for the whole of my life just cos i didnt desicuss with him abt it and regret cos of that. i was able to close the chapter for the former but am i able to for this as things are getting so complicated.

not that i dont trsut in his prpomise

i totally do

but i doubt he will do anything more if i say i giveup. cos he will say its a form of respecting me to what i wish. but i guess i really dont want to hurt him any further or tporture. its so painful.

biwithme — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 09:29:24 +0000

its been a while since i last blogged and right now, Im just reflecting to how things have been for me on a personal level. things have not improved somehow and its going downhill on my own rtn

and the thought of it just sucks.

i come to a mid point where i know what i need to do and its just that little push that is needed right now. its never a right time for anything but everything is getting out of hand.

the only good point is that i found and am working in a new job that is somewhat interesting as i learn on the operational view of projects. the colleagues here are nice and i guess it takes a bit of adjustment to get used to everyone else. i still miss the previous place

which is actually very different with the main bulk of gang leaving and of course with someone whom i do treasure a lot not being there anymore

talking abt him, things are different

we became strangers somehow

and now til acquaintance

it comes to a point where we dont talk at all, til there are exciting points or common. of course, im upset but yet i cant expect much. to me, im just happy to know that he is safe, happy and earning what he hopes to achieve.

i guess just let fate decides.

well yes, im upset with a very close friend and I wonder is it me who put in too much trust in others that now it starts to reflects and hits back to me. well i realy wonder

ok now i need to get back to work. will write again.

biwithme — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 06:30:03 +0000

im feeling very emo moley, its a feeling that i really dont know how to describe. firstly im leaving a company which i really had lots of memories. the friends i made, the times i enjoyed myself and experience that i had in this company is truly too much for me to handle at this point of time.

and some how it doesnt help when i feel my friend whom i will love to talk most to is not talking much to me. maybe its his way of telling me that its not possible between us but i really didnt think of that right now cos i know i have to handle my own relation. even though at the back of the head, i wish he will reciprocate it but to think of it, its my own doing and wish not to talk to him.

so i cant do much or comment anything

but the truth hurts. it hurts so badly that you know you feel for someone whom you can dont even talk or even ask abt how the person is and you just wonder if he is fine or even happy. and the worse part is you are scared to take the first step to making the friends hip work cos you dont know how he will react towards you. you wish you know the solutions but sometimes you are just too lost.

i hvent have this feeling for such a long time and i know it means more than ever.

the worse is things got complicated with my current relation that is not working well and rocking in my emotions. i dont know how am i feeling towrads it and yet be so sure of how i feel towras the other. its just so weird. do people feel weird with that. so what should we do abt it?

there are so many questions in my head and so many thoughts that go wild and i wonder why cant i stop feeling so emotional. its just so wrong.

and its just so tiring.

i wish i can stop it with one palm and like how the traffic light stops the cars.

my munchie say just keep rolling like a ball but sometimes when the ball rolls too much, it feels as though it lost its direction and not where it feels like going.

its just so lost

i ask the almighty one what should i do, the things i need to look out for and whether i should stay and somehow at the back of the head, despite me feeling like giving up, i am asked to stay

and i reallyu dont understand why. i really tried. but yet. i had no reply.

biwithme — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 05:13:39 +0000

he wore the prayer braclet

he say he wore it cos its good luck and gave him deals

im glad it did

but somehow i still feel soury

im supposed to let it go

but i dont know why

its so hard

and i know he doesnt feel a thing towards anymore

its just a bluff all along

he will never do anything

and will never break his current

biwithme — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 01:56:05 +0000

i dont know why but i still miss him badly

and i realise i still like him a lot alot

its the small little things that i will think of

from novotel, to clarke quay, the bridge, by the river, ps glass house and many more

but i guess it also wishful thinking on my part

i just hope garuda brings him back safely

but somehow i know its not possible because he will never break her heart

and maybe all along i was just a sub.

even though i really trust and believe in him

im just a stupid silly fool

biwithme — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 20:59:36 +0000

i like the mornng breeze, somehow it just wakes u in the finest moment

i realised its not just a crush afterall

the feelings are deep and surreal and yet i cant do much to it but to suppress it under all circumstances

i guess i am just a friend at the moment

who can be there loving and supporting

there are too many things to be handled at the moment

and im breaking down

i need the motivation to do what im doing so that others willk not be affected by it

i must perservere

shld i take the job or not

i guess i want to but at some time, it means parting a side of memory which is not going to be eaysy at all

biwithme — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 16:41:09 +0000

its harder than i thought.

to think simple words can just evoke so much memories

no wonder im stated as a gullible fool

cos all along i have been falling just like one

i still wonder

why the existence