today a simple eh just pop

its been one month and its a surprise

and somehow the heart flutters despite the fact that i have been controlling it and telling it not so

i thought the heart had died in me but apparently not so

but im not expecting anything

cos i know its just a simple hi

from the closest pal that i thought i lost and was so upset abt.

perhaps in the end its to inform me my scariest and most upsetting dream which is of his happiest ever.

happiness is such a subjective thing

it really depends on how you look at, and how you want to place it in your life

burning out was the only option that seems to be infused in the current life

even though the almighty god had given the hint to what i need to do

the courage to get the action done is just not possible yet

were it just excuses?  but whatever it is, i have set my mind to do one most impt thing ever

and that is to lose my first job that holds lots of memories for me

in next month

i guess this shall be a baby step to the next big world of mine

the body seems to be breaking. and the thoughts seemed to be stoned.

missing the boy is not helping esp the thought of losing my best friend is worse. i have to come to terms that things are not that smooth as I wish it to be, and somehow i just miss him a lot. and i question myeslf, why do i have to restrain myself in this manner when i feel so much. everyone says he got no balls to do what is needed. neither do i want to force him to grow some.

mayb he realised what he feels afterall and not get so confused. eeryone says not talking or communicating will do things fine. but apparently not. for me at all.

i dont want to hear everyone views. cos it doesnt seem to help at all.

i need to hear my own heart, my own view.

for once.

i cant remember when was the last time i smile again

my heart is broken to pieces.

now i understood why you say never to trust anyone so readily and unexpectedly i trust you the most.

i still dont get it, why did i even know you in the first place.

i realised my bibi meaqns more than just being with him. if fate allows, we will be together. but right now, wrong time, wrong situation.

i wish i can tell u how much u mean to me.

i wish i can stop thinking and feeling for you.

its just so painful

i wish im strong to do what i need to do

i wish you can tell me your real feelings and you do what is needed

either to end or to continue

i just need that

although i know i say i end it. but at the back of my head. i cant. if you told me that its hopeless, i will wish you happiness. actually behind my head, im prepared.

right from the start, this doesnt work at all.

i was just being plain silly and i dont get it to why i like you that much.

i relaly dont get it

and til now, i still dont know the meaning to your existence in my life. mayb you re here to tell me that i dont love al and im not worthy of him after all.

again, she thinks.

now, she wonders.

where is it going, and why is she wondering. all the way, while she was buying stuff, she thinks of what to get for him. its just so painful and this morning, she realised it. she knew why she cant let go cos she hates to admit that she is the mean one and is wrong to have her feelings change.

she is scared.

esp when she knows she can like someone else so much that she doesnt know if its worth it at all.

but she knows what she needs to do.

and its scary

i shouldnt have read our past conversations

it hurts

i wish i can just screw my brain and tell it to stop thinking of someone.

im excited and yet apprehensive abt the trip.

somehow, it tells me things are not going to be the same anymore

and i fully know what i need or want to do.

its scary and its horrible when i know the person whom i think of is just him him and him

i will get thru this.

i realised he hasnt read the letter and i told him to do so. even though half of my mind wish he will not. but i know by tonight or tmr, he will read the letter. knowing him, he will not face the truth and even if he does, he will leave me alone just as i request.

my heart says no and i really really wish what i have been feeling was the truth and he wasnt going to take me for granted. but i know its not. at this point of time. i chose the hard way out for myself so that he will be spared. another reason is cos i really want to be fair to alvin and diana. i dont know how to face just hearing her name or being with al and needing to handle all these emotions and guilt.

its so painful.

having him for lunch was a happy thing but when i realised i cant anymore. its so painful.

my heart wrench at the moment when he talks abt the car accident and i could only pray god that he is safe and fine. and at the back of my head, i realised he got someone beside him to go thru this and somehow i wish it was me and not her.

but i know its just not possible.

its a very big wishful thinking on my part and its really difficult to get through it

when u really thought u can work things out with someone

but i chose the hard way out.

which is no contacts.

i dont know why he wants to go to hk but at one point, i was happy to hear that. at the another, im not. cos i dont know what other mistakes will lead more from there.

im scared

im scared i fall deeper

i know i will and now i just want to pull out.

this is the first time that even though im rational, i allow my emotions to take over me and fall for someone who is attached, happily attached some more. and now to let it go, its going to be very difficult.

seriously. i dont know how to feel.

i just know everything is wrong and i have to put it in place just as much as i hate to.

and its so painful

really painful and hurting. but i know i cant be selfish anymore.

not selfish to alvin and diana esp.

i need to face the reality.

i dont know if i do the right thing and can i accpe that he really will not contact anymore. but i guess i have to learn to deal with it. its time to stop hurting myself as well.

i got nothing else to wish for anymore. not a dream. not even a pact. at all.

again, i let another love of my life go.

its going to take a lot of courage.

i pluck up and went to find her profile and true enough, she has a very sweet photo with him. at this point of time, i know i have to end it.

its time to.

whether is it truth or bullshit, its not possible for us to get together or even trust that we will be at any point of time. the feelings had died on his side as time pass.

time will wash everything.

its just a moment of passing by. its a moment that is not to be cherished. i cant believe im still so into it just as how i think i should not. and now, its really hitting straight. i have never felt so much for a person and never could i imagine finding someone and feeling so much for him as much as i did for calvin.

im sure they will work things out and be the sweetest couple ever.

i know they will.

i surrender.